Sunday, September 14, 2014

one week down.

I finished my first week of having two jobs again and I have been so stressed, it's almost unbearable. I also made the mistake of filling my full and partial days off (Thursday and Sundays I have off, Saturdays I work mornings only) with shopping and errands and a bunch of other things that I really should have just delegated to my husband since he's home more often than I am now. I have a hard time with delegating tasks - very often I like to do everything myself and make sure everyone is taken care of. Except that leaves me stressed and exhausted and depressed, so that's something I need to work on.

Tonight I think I'm going to move showers to PM. Maybe I'll get a little more sleep and maybe Colton will too. Since our house is so small I'm a little worried that my early morning showering has been waking him up, since he actually slept in the past two days that I didn't shower before 6 AM.

Meal plan is complete. Everything is fairly simple and we did major grocery shopping about a week ago so all of the meats and veggies we need are in the freezer already. I may need to pick up more potatoes midweek but hopefully not.

I cooked dinner tonight so we have tons of chicken leftovers - two different recipes of drumsticks. That will be dinner for the next two nights and then Mark will be in charge of dinner Wednesday night. I am trying to give him simple dinners for now since he isn't used to cooking the meals. I'm sure he could figure out something a little more time consuming but there's not really a point in that. We can cook the more involved meals on nights when both of us are home.

Our chore chart has gone straight down the tubes. I haven't kept up with anything at all this week and neither has Mark. We're lucky that we've gotten the dishes done and the toys picked up every night, but that's pretty much the extent of it. I've done about half of the laundry so far and I'll need to throw in at least one more load tonight. Colton's clothes are all washed and folded, at least.

As much as I have a plan to be organized, actually following through with it has been extremely difficult. I think my mental state is just not with it right now. I don't know for certain that I am really tired from work and commute and mom stuff. I think it's just messing with my head to know that I have all of these things to do, and thinking about them makes me just clam up and not do anything at all. I wish I had more drive to get things done.

A picture of the beautiful dinner I made:

A picture of my sweet boy on Thursday at the park. It was so cold. I'm so happy for Thursdays spent with him.

I have to remind myself that I need to work for him. For all of us. 
It's for the best.
If only my emotions would get on board with that.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

one little whisper.

Out of my whole stressful day, the time I looked forward to the most is quietly nursing my sweet little boy before bed. I never knew how important nursing would become to me when I first began researching it when I was pregnant and I'm so grateful that I am still able to hold on to this bonding time that Colton and I share.

Sometimes Colton will fall asleep nursing and I'll carry him to his crib. Tonight was a late work night for me, so we got home late and I thought for certain he was would fall asleep. I think the opening the door startled him awake a little bit as I carried him out of the bedroom. He looked up at me with his perfect blue eyes and a big sleepy smile and whispered "hi mommy."

I know it sounds like nothing. But through all the hectic moments of our day and the rushed hellos and goodbyes as we are heading out the door from one place to another, this one meant so much to me. A quiet, peaceful hello, safe in my arms, before drifting off to sleep.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Jobs

Ever since 2008 I've had a crazy schedule. There have been months of down time in between, but in general it has always been crazy.

Dairy Queen, DSW, college.
Intern at courthouse, Dairy Queen, college.
Dairy Queen, Waitress, college.
Waitress and Intern at courthouse (finally graduated!)
Grad school, Intern at courthouse, waitress on weekends.
Grad school, Intern at courthouse, waitress, and pregnant.
Quit waitressing 3 months before Colton was born.
Quit internship 1 month before Colton was born.
Grad school and newborn.
Grad school, work at Autism center.
Grad school plus Internship, work at Autism center.
Finished internship, last class and work at Autism center.
July & August - work at Autism Center ONLY! Hooray for one job!
September - Autism Center & Substitute School Counselor.

And obviously I am still a mom as soon as I get home which makes things a lot more difficult since we all know that I really do not want to be a working mom. Today was my first day back to the grind of having two jobs and I am pretty much asleep except I needed to vent about how long I've been doing this garbage of working and school and everything I have to do to keep my family afloat financially and try to get the experience to get a full time job someday. Will it ever come?!